Thursday, August 30, 2007
All By Myself
Do you noe the song sang by our famous Celine Dion entitled "All by Myself"?It goes like this...
"Livin alone
I think of all the friends Ive known
But when I dial the telephone
Nobodys home
All by myself
Dont wanna be
All by myself anymore
All by myself
Dont wanna live
All by myself anymore
Hard to be sure
Some times I feel so insecure
And love so distant and obscure
Remains the cure
All by myself
Dont wanna be
All by myself anymore
All by myself
Dont wanna live
All by myself anymore..."
bt yet... time n again... i find myself... all by myself....
i really fell like a loser wif no frens at all!
whr r they?
whr r they wen i nid them?
y do they do dis to me?
wen i've been thr all the time
all my life,
i live for them
rescheduling, running ard, wasting time to be wif these creatures whom i actually call my friend.
to me, a friend is sum1 who will always be there for you
dat's y i try to be dat to every1
bt y wen it comes to me, every1 disappear?
i question again.... m i not enuff? m i nt worthy enuff?
i tink i'm being taken for granted
i ges they noe, dat i cn nvr say no to them, n dat i'll forgive them no matter wat,
coz dats my quality
bt lemme tell you...
i'm nt gonna b ard forever
n wen i m nt ard one very fine day
dun regret
no tears must shed
coz u nvr appreciate me wen u've got all the chnces to
coz u nvr love me for all i was for you
coz it will not matter anymore
coz i'm no longer ard no more
FRIENDS? HAHA!
Posted by DiStUrBeD AnGeL at 4:41 PM
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
MENGUMUMKAN KETIBAAN SFX KUUUUUUU
the ass that 'asy soooooooooo lurveee
me driving the car 
MY BABY!!!!I LOVE MY SUZUKI!!!!
haiz.... it came on fri evening ard 8pm, on the 24th of August.
n left me on the 27th at ard 9 plus ten.
where did i bring the car sightseeing??
lemme see...
we travelled far for the 4 days
first i drove all the way to bukit batok to fetch shahreil.
i noe! i was sooooo scared coz i havent drive for over a year! n i nvr travelled dat far before!
bt like i told my siblings... i have to start from sumwhere rite?
so yeah i reached bukit batok, bt along, being the co-pilot, gave me wrong directions in bukit batok n so we got a bit lost. bt luckily, she found her way n we met shahreil.
once there, shahreil drove to wdlands (my leg was already paining ;p). we watch suster ngesot... nt like i watch it 100% as i was bz covering my ears n eyes. n den i realised that shahreil n the gang ate every single piece of my twisties. i was so sore abt it! i din even get to taste it! they finished it!!!!
den obviously, shahreil drove us back too, to bukit batok. we had late supper at habib, the place whr shahreil is every single nite n the place along so want to burn down. bt... the food is really great i'm telling you. 1st time i had to agree with shahreil. so after dat i drove us back to tamps n had to face my parking fears. i tell you.... i was sooooooo scared that i wanted to cry, tgn menggigil2 giler sumer. finally, dpt gak park.
it was already 2 plus wen we reach hm, n thr next day had to wake up early to mit nadleen, as we din get to mit the nite before n she cant join us in the afternoon coz she got class n is meeting her laling siraj who juz flew in back frm south africa. since we cn decide where to go, we decided that she should teach me sum parking, n driving instructions to punggol area coz i gotta fetch along in the noon n i dunno how to get there. so first off, i fetch nad. it was the first time in my entire driving life that i drove alone. usually, there must be sum1 wif me. granted her place was so near my place. bt i was still nervous abt it. coz there will be no one to be my xtra eye. bt it was smooth... i fetch her den we went to punggol, den frm there we went back to tamp, went to century square n ate at food junction. nad asked me if i m confident to park at century, n i was like " no! bt i've got to do it rite? i've to start sumwhr" so we did. n i parked perfectly dis time round as nad was there to gif me tips.
den after dat i send her home, wen back to fetch mahathir, den wen to punggol to fetch along. from there, we drove back to bedok to fetch mummy n wow! i parked perfectly again! i really am on sum kind or park perfect streak. den we went home to send the stuffs mum bought from NTUC, den drove off to fetch daddy at harbourfront. dat was another long journey. bt i really did nt want to waste money renting the car n go nowhere. dad will probly take a cab hm, and dat will be additional waste of money. along kept asking if i m confident n i said it doent matter, i will do it. it was a smooth ride, agreed by along n mum (surprise surprise). they said i m definitely getting the hang of it. fetch dad, den went back to tamps. perfect parking again!
have you notice how long i've been driving?????
we reached hm at ard 330pm and i went out again at 530 to fetch asy. asy was like shocked. coz i told her i will b fetching her n she assume it was in a cab. she din expect it n she loves the car. so does her bf dani. so she called dani to make him jeles! hahaha! asy cld maintain her surprised look. den we were off to fetch rah. rah's reaction was soooooooooo funny! kiter depan mata lambai2 dier pun dier stare kat kiter stoning! n den she juz sat down there n screamed n was like "OHMYGAWDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD OHMYGAWWDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD FUCK FUCKKKKK OHMYGAWDDDDDDDDDDDDDD" n din even walk to us. she finally did, still screaming, n knocked the window at asy side n was like oh my god kin i cnt believe it. it's like my fav car sey! fuck u kin! n we were like rah, react5ion classic siak, tk nampak kiter per, kiter lambai2. den she was like tk i saw... bt i was like cannot be ah... i tot u bwk kereta busuk like nissan sunny ke apa... y din u tell me??? dis is soooooooooo cool siak!!!
n den i barked at her. GET IN THE CAR LAH WE R LATE OREADY!
n den the bimbo her said. OH YEAH. AH AH EH.
n she made me sumpah i din buy the car, coz she cnt belive i rent it. in her words " how cn anybody wanna rent out a new car siak?"
i swore i din buy the car. i dun haf the money to. ok, if i do, i stil wldnt buy it coz it's nt practical for my lifestyle.
aniweis, i drove to pasir ris to fetch afni. once there afni took over coz my leg n back is really aching the maching. cnt take it sey. n ngantuk lagik... din noe auto wld be tiring too.
so we went to wdlands. watch rush hour 3, den ate, den drove every1 home. obviously, i send asy home lah. i reached ard 11.45. n i was suppose to meet rah at 12.30am to go clubbing. giler per... i cnt siap dat fast. bt cik yan n cik ju dtg, n i told cik yan to take the car as i tk nk rugi. i'm nt driving to go clubbing. n since the nxt day cik ju ada urut kat sembawang the more i feel worth it for him to drive. so at last they left ard 12.15
i called rah n talk to her sekejap n she decide i shldnt go ( i din really wanna go as i m super tired. bt i tot wanna gif her sum moral support) i was so hepi to be able to rest for the day.
on sun was a resting day din go out anywhere except for the bank at ard 10pm. den on mon i drove to werk. n back frm werk. den mum ask me to buy food at habibie n den diyana n me drove there. i was reallllllllyyyyy getting used to the driving ard. diyana too. she said.. kin u really shld get a car lah! den i said... diyana u really shld shut up if u dun want to come out wif the money n ur intention of making me ur full time chauffeur.
den they came to collect the car at ard 10pm dat nite. n everything is over...
I REALLY MISS HER. THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME THE CHANCE OF MY LIFE DARLING!
HOPEFULLY WE'LL MEET AGAIN N EXPLORE SINGAPORE TOGETHER AGAIN. TILL THEN... FAREWELL!!!
oh ya, thx to isa too for giving me the drive to drive. y? coz he hurt me real bad. so i decided to prove that i m nt the weakling like his new beau is. i cn drive, while she needs to be driven. haha! if she noes him well enuff, she'll noe who he prefers!
ciao darl n remember if it's too gd, then it aint true!
Posted by DiStUrBeD AnGeL at 12:10 PM
Friday, August 10, 2007
Updates on my Beautiful Life
yup2 its time for a lil updates...one that i constantly tot of doing... bt simply dun have the time to...
biasalah.... i kan busy sentiasa...
wif wat u may ask
so lemme tell u...
i werk... WOW! dat's a burden oready wat..
i study!... dats like a DOUBLE TRIPLE to the power of infinity burden! (all u kids reading this mite now wonder wat the hell is this old lady talking abt... bt let auntie tell u ah kids.... its nt date easy wen u struggle to do all things at once at an ever increasing age n ever decreasing energy, time and strength)
i MANAGE full time.... (ironically, i m xcellent at managing others, suck at managing myself!)
n i m a WEDDING PLANNER... (for free summore! b4 u smile, forget it, i'm nt doing another one for free!)
haiz.... bz..bz...bz... rite....
nt my fault for not updating the blog for such a long time rite
understand understood kit lah ppl!
back to the point!
lets see.... wat cn i remember...
there's sumting wrong wif rah n her beau...
i tink he is no longer her beau..
i wld so like to scream out yeah!!! i got my fren back n m no longer alone in the CV clan bt i love her too much to see her suffer like this. not that i've seen her.. yet... coz we've been cancelling each other for the past 3 wks due to our very bz schedule... (she werk n study too u noe!) bt hopefully tonight will finally happen for us... so.. yea hopefully u'll hear abt it if i'm nt dat bz ok...
next up: wen sumting happen to rah, sumting happen to me. well the exact phrase wld be, BEFORE sumting happen to rah, sumting happen to me.
i got to noe dat the love of my life (so far lah!) has officially move on n is dating this stupid uglified minah bitch (n i m nt exaggerating here! linda will be my witness!) I HATE HIM! i mean of coz i dun hate him hate him, i just hate him! BITCH! how cld he do this to me?????!!! i still do love him u noe... i noe it's been like 7 yrs bt wat the heck lah.... i love him n i will always love him... tho i noe that we'll nvr b in love again, bt wat right does he have dat he cn go on first without me???! now i look like the pathetic loser i've always been! shit! damn! fuck! I HATE YOU ISA! n the worse ting is, i tink the minah bitch noes abt me lah... so she goes all the way to make me jeles by putting their pics up n putting stupid2 caption.... hah! chk dis out! she even wote sumting like "it aint no matter now.... coz i got you..." as her shoutout. i mean, wat is dat suppose to mean? wanna slap me at my face izzit??? hahah bitch not dat easy! den she said sumting like " 2 gd 2 b true..." n i was like abt to blow my top ah n tot of saying sumting like "if it's too gd, it aint true.." on MY shoutout... bt i tot it wld be like too childish... i mean wat r we man? we r aft all sane adults who have lotsa better tings to do rite..... n imagine the reaction my other beloved frens wld react to seeing the shoutout... i mean its sooo un-me n soooooo super childish n almost acting like the eveil white bitch! (those who noe me will noe who i m referring to! ;p n yup i still call her dat!) sooooooo i decided that i do not want to be childish n did the right ting.... I POSTED " DARLING, IF ITS TOO GD, CHANCES R IT AINT TRUE. HAHA!" on my ebuddy! pretty matured rite??? (the number of ppl rolling eyes at me rite now juz kip increasing dramatically!) wei, dun blame me, i m emotionally unstable rite now. so i plead temporarily insanity.
moving on: the firewerks tingy, nadia cldnt make it very the very last min n so i had 2 additional tix wif me.. n so i was frantically finding replacement wen nad says she'll go bt she doesnt haf any1 to bring as her LALING flew to south africa liao. so leboh susah kan nak cari cumer 1 org ajer... den i got an idea.... i wanted to ask him! bt i noe he will say no... my backup will be tareef, bt i noe if others see tareef wif me dats it lah it''ll reach him n den he will be angry... so i decided to ask him nevertheless... crossing n praying that he'll come coz i sincerely, honestly, want him to come! i cnt believe i ask him! i did anyway n we all noe wat he said... n den tareef cldnt make it either so as the last plan i had, i asked my couzin to go wif me... a nine yr old hafizah.
bt the funny thing now is: on my way back, i met sum teachers n the whole grp were juz super xcited dat they saw me wif a kid tagging along n ask if dat's mine. i said yup. all three of dem r mine. my children. n they were like wat???! u r married???? i din say anything. n then they blurted out they've been wanting to matchmake me wif him. so i said ermm... no comments i gotta go... n ges wat????! on tues, my HOD called me to ask if i really m married coz teachers told her dat I M MARRIED n HAF 3 CHILDREN ALREADY. n the best part! wow! this is soooooooooooo super classic. I BROUGHT MY HUBBY TO THE FIREWRKS TOO. how off cn they be???? there's nt even a single guy lor!
n obviously by now i tink he heard it oready. soooo... i figure he's nt talking to me. he's nt u noe. i tried calling him hp n he din even ans! i tink i shld explain. nt explain. bt lay down sum facts. bt i m sooooooooooooooooo suoer scared lah! dats y i'm blogging it now... to get sum spiritual strength lah konon... now i'm juz getting more cold feet n my jantung berdebar2 like mad like i m gonna get a heart attack or sumting. i dunno if i'm doing the right ting.... shit..... i m so super scared. i mean i really wanna talk to him face to face bt sumhow... its nt easy in this school n even worse wen i haf a peeling face rite now. i dun want to look ugly. so.... i tink i mite call him up... shit shit shit... shld i????? please send me a sign!!!!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOKEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!! I JUZ CALLED HIM UP!!! N DO YOU NOE WAT I SAID????????
"CN I TALK TO U FOR A WHILE?"
"ERM... YEAH.."
"THERE R 3 TINGS I NEED TO TELL YOU. FIRST, I M NT MARRIED, I DO NOT HAVE 3 CHILDREN, AND I DIN BRING MY HUSBAND TO THE FIREWERKS"
"HUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!?????!!!!!!!"
yes, dats how extreme his reaction is dat i tink the whole staff rm cn hear.... great shikin... well done!
"I M JUZ TELLING YOU THIS IN CASE U HEAR ANYTHING... BT I'M TELLING YOU... NONE OF IT IS TRUE"
"OOOOOOOOOKKKKKKKKKAAAAAAAAYYYYYY...."
"YOU MEAN U DIN HEAR ABT DIS??????????"
"NO..........."
"OK GOOD GREAT. BT JUZ IN CASE, I WANNA TELL YOU FIRST." (i hope dats a great hint to u idiot!)
"I'VE BEEN IN THIS SCHOOL LONG ENUFF TO NOE WAT TO BELIEVE"
"I'M JUZ TELLING YOU COZ THE GOSSIP WEN BACK TO ME. THEY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY BELIEVE IT. SO I WANT YOU TO NOE."
"%&*(u)__)vhiuy_)*)())_+_&*)" dis is because i cldnt hear wat he said... at the last part he said sumting like okay... n we said our gdbyes.....n oh yeah he said sumting like "it shocked me." you noe wat, i tink i relly did.... hehhehehehehheehe
OK BABES, NOW DAT I HOPE EVERYTHING IS CLEARED... COME BACK PLS... I MISS U...
n did i tell u dat he's changing jobs? yes he is.. n i tink there's no turning back for him... n i tink i dun like the idea at all. i noe i noe... u must be saying this girl is singing a diff tune altogether! i did say i hate office relationships n all n wished that we were in two diff plc so that there's no external interference n dat kind of awkwardness n crap shit ah...
bt i cnt imagine werking life without him!!!!!!!!!!!!!! damn ah kin! i will miss his footsteps most of all... haizzzzzz..... nxt time... i will post a tribute to him k...
next up: we went to KL... n if u want to see the pics pls cilok at along's blog @ http://www.beneaththeveil.blogspot.com/ we as in me, along, mum n dad wen thr to of coz get sum wedding stuffs... its a great excuse for me who has nt been to kl for ard 1 YEAR!!! IMAGINE! SHIKIN. DIN. GO. KL. FOR. ONE. YEAR. pigs cld fly man i'm telling you. it was fun in the spontaneous kinda way. u noe... all i wanted was a quick out n sumting nt routine. so the less den 24hrs trip in KL is almost the answer. nt dat i've nvr done it b4. i ever did dat during the gd old times wif my ex-bestfren natasha. dun ask me y the ex, its another whole different story altogether dat i promise to update on one fine day.
we took this new coach (for us lah) called aeroline. ITS SUPERB. food, dessert, hot beverages, pillow, blankets, stewardess, toilet in coach (werking one k!), captain, announcements. wah! i tell u,..... totally like taking plane!!!!!!! its much2 expensive this time round coz yours truly bought a return ticket (usually we only buy 1 way den get the return tix frm kl. cheaper lah konon) coz i din wanna rush n fite for tix, aniwei it was too short a trip, n we were staying far away from puduraya bus station, i decided to spend a bit more lah. its $47/per person per trip. so i spent $94 on the coach itself. wat do i haf to say abt it? WELL WORTH IT.
it was a great trip i tell you. we bought all the tings we wanted. i love our purchases. ALL MY CHOICE! (like duh! wat's a manager's job if its nt deciding wat's in wat's not?) n we stayed at this super beautiful hotel -IMPIANA KLCC. we din really stayed coz me n along stayed over at su's house, coz dh hajat su. bt we spend sum time in the hotel n its cool man. the concept is so modern n contemporary n young n the service, EXCELLENT! i'm definitely coming back!
n su brought us to this place to eat sate kajanng coz biasalah my dad, mengidam sate kajang tk abis2... n we went to this hj samuri plc sumwhr near uptown i tink. n the food is like..... PHEWWW...MOUTH WATERING...SALIVATING... DREAMY...no words cn describe it... the best ste experience i had in my whole entire life (dat;s quite n achievement coz i do eat a lot of sate in my life) wait! besides cik subandrio's sate ok... coz his is oso damnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn delicious melicious... (his my dad's gd fren n he dun sell sate anymore i tink) now... i'm tinking of sate kajang bt whr cn i find it in spore. dun want mana2 nyer sate kajang tau. nk hj samuri gak!
n den we sent back my parents to the hotel so they cn do sum loving (hehehehehehhehehe) no lah... i dun even want to imagine it k. yup we were giving them a gd chance for another honeymoon, bt no i dun tink they grab the chance noeing both of them, thus i shall take back my regrets for nt leaving them any protection coz i dun want my mum pregnant during my sister's wedding. its an ugly weird sight. i love babies n all. bt i dun tink i want another sibling. its time for sum real nephew n nieces. no more brothers or sisters,. get my drift? maybe they decided dat they had enuff of "love" for their whole lifetime coz they do have 6 kids n they tried like mad for mahathir..... ;p
WTF! y m i talking abt my parents' sex life again??? ewwwwwwwwwwww!!!!
we sent them back den we met up wif zaki who is along's frenster fren who got interested in diyana n den became her close guy fren who came to our hse i tink twice n will be coming to along's wedding to become the potential menantu for my parents. its kinda complicated. n i'm getting su n zaki to noe each other coz they mite come together for the wedding. so we decided to meet up at uptown n talked until 1am.
by the time we reach su's hse at 1plus, i was exhausted i cld sleep on the road. i din sleep on fri u see. n was hoping to steal sum sleep throughout the 6 hr journey to kl. BT! they were playing 2 back to back gd movies n den the journey was only 4hrs 50 mins! so i din sleep up till dat 2am. n we are suppose to leave su's hse by 630am the nxt day. so... do ur maths k. BT! the moment we reach her hse. me n along were too mesmerized by the huge hse. it's nt dat huge if u compare to cik ila/cik atip's melaka house, bt its huge i'm telling u. mcm dlm drama2. n of coz... the 2 of us got super xcited dat we felt like we r in one of the dramas n konon2 kiter pembantu rumah yg baru dtg ah... xciting kan.... i spend the nite reciting "bsok nk cari kayu..... nk cari kayu.... nk cari kayu..... nk cari kayu...." until i doze off. i set the alarm to 5am bt i din hear the alarm like at all! along woke me uo at 529 telling me to bathe first. i tot she was purposely irritating me coz i din hear the alarm wat. i chck my hp n true enuff it's 530. damn! i ignored her n went back to sleep. i wake up at 545 to bathe while she got ready n at 630 we left the hse to fetch my parents at the hotel.
to be continued...coz nad is here to fetch me to go dorothy perkins.... c u tmr k!
continuation moniuation..... I'M BACK FOR THE UPDATES ON THE UPDATES!
(god i realise byk sey typo n spelling error in my entries. bt WTF. it's my blog. its my way. its my language. it my business!)
ANIWEIZZZZZZZZZZ.....
where were we?
oh yah! KL trip!!! er.... i dunno if there's anything to add abt it... momento lost. aniwei. as of now, i m pissed off like amd coz i juz find out dat my $50 in my wallet is gone. it's $50 out of the $500 ++++ i haf in my wallet. idiot, i noe u wld say. y kip so much cash. reason. simple. i've been paying stuffs for ppl last mth wic come out to ard $800 n dis mth they started paying me, thus the big amount of money. i wanted to bank dem in my maybank acct bt dun haf the time to. maybank is my study n saving acct k. i chk everyday to make sure that my $50 notes r intact. n ges wat? wen i juz chk it, there's only 9 notes instead of ten. thus i noe, sum1 took it frm me, either really late last nite, coz i went back at 1215 am yest or very early in the morn coz i woke up at ard 730. either ways, its fuckingly fucked up coz its my school money u noe! money doest come easy for me n i m paying for so much rubbish summore!!!!! FUCK AH!
bingit siak! aniwei, apa td mak nk ckp eh... crita psl smlm sua... tk mo boring2. tkder rezeki nk buat mcm mana kan. haizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
ok2... crita psl smlm...mmit aleen to go dorothy perkins PS psl dier nk beli dis $19 white jersey top size s, v-neck. tp tk der size dier... so we call every single outlet n chk out 1 size bigger. i wanted to buy sumting... tp nuting to buy (being practical here ppl!) went to eat at kfc n bought zinger. dh lama giler sey tk mkn zinger! den we drove off n went hm coz she got assignment to do n i nid to mit my fren...
so while changing to mit my dear fren, diyana received a call from cik ju. apparently, cik jah n the 3 kids lari rumah or sumting, n now cik salleh is furios. so i tink he called cik yan, n cik yan sms ibu to tell her to call cik salleh coz i tink cik salleh nk buat tmpt mengadu. of coz noeing tings the way they r, my mum ignored it coz die dh tk kuasa nk ambil tahu dis kinda tings nnt kita lak yg dipersalahkan. so apparently, bakyu suzi told cik ju dat they plan to run away, n cik ju told cik yan, n wen cik salleh mengadu at cik yan, cik yan obviously told him lah. now he is so pissed wif pissed wif cik mar n cik nah oso i tink, so cik mar dh menggelabah n blame it at cik ju for memporak perandakan n jaga tepi kain org. n wen cik ju said dat she din create the story she heard it frm bakyu suzi, bakyu suzi cuak n sumpah n said dat she said nuting at all. so now cik mar is angry n asked cik yan n cik ju to meet her at her hse in frnt of tok n nenek. so complicated kan. welcome to my family!
i told her, org lain nyer rumahtangga dh goncang, apa kena mengena dgn kita? if we ambil tahu, we willbe blame. skrg biler tk ambil tahu, org kata takut ah tu. tp my question is, kalau berani come n meet me ah. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! LAWAK SIAK! they got no guts to do that, coz if they do have guts, they will confront us 9 yrs back! plslah, takut kerana salah, berani kerana benar! n its so obvious yg the makciks has to do wif them lari rumah coz they are the ones yg dr awal masuk campur. suruh tuntut mcm2 ah, naik turun mahkamah ah. bala bla bla....
apa sajer...
now i'm juz waiting for the next gossip n next event. apa lak akan terjadi. JENG JENG JENG...
ikutkan hati aku nk ajer meletup. dr dulu. bt! i noe... i noe... my parents dun want us to meletup n its precisely bcoz of them yg kiter sabar. i mean. i dun gif a damn ah biler ppl touch me. spread super idiotic gossips, rumours abt me. n say bad tings abt me. i dun gif a shit man. my motto: I NOE WAT I DID, N I NOE GOD NOES WAT I DID. end of the day, only ONE will JUDGE me, n dat's not you. so y bother wat they say kan? ppl will always talk, so fuck care lor!
BTTTTTTTT! AKU PALING PANTANG AH KALAU PPL TOUCH MY FAMILY N ESP MY PARENTS! they r the nicest creatures ever alive (ges i noe whr i get the nice factor frm) n they do not deserve any shit esp wen they sacrifice so much! so if u dare touch my parents, u r gonna get it from me. haha! i haf no fears babe, wen it comes to dem. no fears at all. i dun care if u r my elders, or blood, or wateva crap shit. u touch dem, u die. as simple as dat.
WOAH! I nvr talk to any1 abt dis man. seriously. n to let off sum steam abt dis is suc a relief i'm telling you. anyway, my shrink did say dat i should express more. i should learn how to say no. n b angry wen there is a need to be angry not bottle it all up n smile. bt u see, dats wat i do. i smile. i cld be dying inside, bt i will still smile. so muc so dat i m so sick n tired of smiling n pretending. at this point, ppl will say. so dun pretend. hahah! tell urself dat man! wen i tried to show a glimpse of the real me, ppl cnt accept it! hahahahahahahhahhahha! dats so damn funny n fucking ironic. so well, i'm ok wif the acting, pretending n smiling man. so life goes on. SHOW MUST GO ON.
funny, in time, i developed this recovery system. it takes only 24 hrs man. i cn feel like i wanna die one minute, n by the next 24hrs i'm perfectly fine. as in PERFECTLY fine. like all the depressed mode gone n haf a new lease in life n shit like dat. at first i tot nuting of it. bt recently (i m a sociology student so i almost criticise everything) i was tinking abt it. it cld b a cure. it cld b a disease. i finally tink there's sumting wrong wif me. majjor tings happened. as in MAJOR, n after 24 hrs i m perfectly fine as in no traces n no feelings abt it watsoever. its like i need 24hrs of whining n dats it. it'll be over.
problem is, if i kip being wat ppl say "strong", i will always get shit. rite? coz that's the rule. GOD only test the strong ones. n oh noy, u haf no idea wat the "tests" are man. bt sumhow, i always get over the big tests, n den the next one come, even bigger n i get over it again n the cycle continues. problem is, during the 24hrs, i will want to die. really, no kidding. coz i cnt take it anymore. its too taxing. i m sick of it. i m tired of it all. i wish i cld run n nvr come back. i wish i cld fly non stop. bt mostly, i wish i'd die. yup, dats it. u haf no idea how many times i've tot abt it. wat scares me is dat, as time passes by, the urge is stronger. too strong in fact. i tink 1 fine day, i will do it. unfortunately, wen i do, i'm nt at the right state of mind. i wun even noe wat i'm doing, coz its nt me.
u muz tink i sound crazy. if u read all my entries, i kip saying i'm crazy. i m u noe. at least i tink i m going crazy in the right way (or wrong way, depending on how u see it). along did mention i m like a schizo (as a joke of coz) bt i noe i am. maybe sumtimes the idea of being really crazy cn b quite cool. i mean come on, imagine lah. shikin. crazy. cool kan??? hahahah... the tings u get to do n get away with, its amazing. bt wen u come to tink of it. wats the point of doing things u've been secretly wanting to do n get away with it bt u dun really noe u did it coz u r crazy wat. u dun remember. u dun understand. the feelings all totally different rite. wah, dats a pt to note.
woah... got to go for lunch now coz ur famous crazy lady gotta go for training at hq later. will continue update again k.
now i'm back at home... so continuation monuation...
where were we again? me. crazy. okies...
yup, like i said, i tink i m going dat way crazy. sumhow i noe it will come by, maybe even faster den i expect n suspect. i wonder wen it happens wat will heppen den? wat will i do? i'd nvr noe will i? i dun tink so. aniwei.. i watched dis belahan jiwa movie very recently,. it was a movie i've been wanting to watch n su bought me the vcd in jkt like last yr, n i oni got it frm her frm the recent kl trip. aft watching it, i realise sumting. again. i mite nt be a schizo, bt maybe will haf MPD.
i mean it will kinda be of no surprise as i've always talk to myself. bt recently i realise dat i wasnt really talking to myself, bt i was talking to another person who is of diff character n has diff opinion bt dat person really is just me. i mean, i'm nt dat crazy. nt yet. bt i realise, if i keep this up, i wld probably make dat person "come alive". i mean dat's how it werks rite.? at first a person seek comfort in "another figure" who is actually demself, n den dat figure juz take control over u. i tell you, i got so scared, even tho, having MPD mite sound cool n fun, bt it really is SCARY THE MERRY ON THE ROCKS MAN.
honestly, i've been contemplating admitting myself to IMH for treatment. coz wen i get angry recently, as in extremely angry, i hav n urge to slice up the person who makes me angry. nt in the literally kinda way, bt i really want to do dat kinda way. n wat's scary is dat wen i imagine it, it gives me a sense of relief, achievement n satisfaction. bt dat's sick. i noe. i mean, rite now i hate it. bt wat if i lose control? wat will happen?
in conclusion, u noe wat i'm trying to tell you. it's so fragile for me now. at least if anything happen to me, i've talked abt it b4, with you, here. it's the first and only time i'm talking abt this in detail to any1. i tink no one else will noe abt this.
enuff said. let's talk abt my meet up wif rah, finally. ot finally happen. i meet up wif rah. suppose to meet her at ard 9-9.10 at simpang, bt biasalah rah. end up she met me at ard 9.50. n i was stoning at the bustop waiting for her for half n hr. so we sat at a corner juz drinking hot coffee (hers) n lychee (mine). so i told her to beat it. tell me everything. so she told me. everything. well almost. we all noe how's her memory. i noe its a diff period for her. i've been there too many times, done that too many times. so a toast to you rah: MAY ALL THE SUCKERS ROT IN HELL N WISH THEMSELVES DEAD WEN YOU FINALLY CATCH THE PERFECT ONE! aniweis, if nobody loves you, i do. I LOVE YOU RAH!
wah wah wah.... sesekali blog mcm nk tulis novel eh kin... suddenly cnt stop. ehehehehhe....
tp mata mcm ngantuk lak ni. BTW.... bsok my swift will arrive!!!!!!!!!!!!! so exciting!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i likeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! i promise to take pics of it then post here k. i'll share it wif you...
so b4 i start another topic in this same entry, i tink i better write off. if i haf sumting else to say, i promise i'll post it as another new entry.
CIAO PPL!
SMILE! I'M ON CANDID CAMERA!
SHOW MUST GO ON!
NUTING CAN KILL THE DEAD!